Walking the Line or Drawing the Line?

The issue of divorce is highly subjective depending only on the individual’s mental and emotional state. It is difficult to club individuals together stating that there is a definite time to divorce. Some people may try to work at a failing marriage and seek professional counselling. The couple, too, is faced with the prospect of divorce but decides to walk the path of reconciliation and resolution. Thus, this couple has opted not to divorce. Social psychologists state that this percentage accounts for only 10 in every 100 couples who take the divorce plunge. Then, there is the 55% of society who do decide to divorce simply because they have misunderstood the real meaning of matrimony and commitment. These couples want out under any circumstance after the initial fun period of marriage ends and compromises and adjustments begin. Usually, couples fall in the undecided category. They stay in the marriage as passive sufferers making no effort to improve their marital situation. Generally, these couples stay in a deteriorating marital relationship due to other reasons excluding love and commitment. It can be for the sake of children, a joint business venture or shared investments. They don’t want to go thorough the turmoil and pressure of a divorce. They believe that the best way is to avoid the trauma and guilt of separation. They feel that they cannot face life alone and are willing to accept the spouse’s insults and abusive behaviour.

Counsellors and psychologists argue that deciding to divorce and when to divorce are individual choices differing from one marital relationship to another. But, there are a few common factors:

Prioritisation of Marriage: Deciding to divorce and when to divorce are conjoined twin decisions. An individual does not wake up one morning and decide that he or she is going to divorce and that the divorce will take place after five years. Such scenarios do not happen. Divorce is not child’s play but a critical life-changing decision. One has to consider all aspects before drawing the line – finally deciding that it is time to divorce. The first aspect to consider is the priority your marriage takes in your life --- is it important? – is your marriage an integral part of you? – can your marital issues be fixed?

Is Your Marriage Important to You? You have to seriously consider this personal issue with honesty and frankness. If you decide that your marriage is not a part of your identity – it is not a part of your self-esteem and your priority list in life – you must seriously consider why you are staying in the marriage. Every marriage is a roller-coaster ride full of compromises and adjustments. The decision to separate occurs when you believe that your marriage is not worth your adjustment and attitude change. You believe that it is futile to waste your time and energy in the marital relationship. Social psychologists argue that when an individual starts to think this way – it is time to walk out of the marriage and move ahead alone. There is no point in staying in a bad and unhappy marriage.

Physical and Emotional Abuse: It is time to walk out when your partner starts to physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abuse you. Your partner begins to take pleasure in controlling you and reducing you to a snivelling person. Physical and mental torture can shatter a person’s self-esteem. It can destroy the very fabric of an individual’s sense of right and wrong – it can make him or her wary of life and unsure of his or her own capabilities. This sort of abuse can either by physical, vocal or, it involves mutilation of self.
It includes:

• Kicking and pushing – physical violence


• Slapping and beating the person with blunt instruments either on the head, hands or private parts – physical torture and battering


• Loud abusive vocal behaviour involving shouting insults


• Threats


• Controlling every movement of the individual restricting her or his freedom to travel and exercise her or his freedom


• Restricting access to friends and relatives


• Forcibly having sex with the person


• Forcing the person to engage in sexual acts with other people


• Emotional abuse involves deprivation of emotional security -- adultery, changing behaviour or midlife crisis, and not sharing household responsibilities

This sort of abusive behaviour should not be tolerated and, if untreated at the initial stage, abusive behaviour can become uncontrollable and dangerous. When the person starts fearing for his or her own life and is constantly alert and not able to find marital happiness, it is sheer idiocy to stay in the abusive marital relationship. Things are never going to improve but only worsen with time as the abuser begins to accumulate more power through your fear.