How to Inform the Children of Your Impending Divorce?

Later, my sister told us, that one of the most difficult situations she faced as a mother was to break the news to her children. She also felt that this could be the biggest trial for any mother in similar conditions.

She took a long time deciding on the best possible manner to inform her children. Unfortunately, during this contemplating phase, the children learnt news of their parents’ divorce from a friend who was also their neighbour. Needless to say they were devastated and were unhappy for being kept in the dark. Her angry and grief stricken children soon became depressed.

My sister is just one among 80% British parents who fail to inform their children about their impending divorce in a proper manner. These parents fail to prepare their children for the post divorce period.

Handling such a tricky situation properly is difficult. Many divorcing spouses do not know what would be the best approach when caught in such circumstances? They do not know whether to be upfront or to reveal the news in a slow and gentle manner.

Breaking the News to the Children (How and When To Tell Them)

The best approach would be to tell the children directly, honestly and at the same time very gently. While informing your children, remember a few vital facts:

• Do not speak ill of your spouse


• Do not make promises that might be broken in the future


• Do not forget to tell the children that they are in no way responsible for the divorce


• Finally, tell your children gently, that after the divorce, you may not be living again with your partner anytime in the future.

Children should be informed at least a few days or a week in advance. Gather them around you when the atmosphere is comfortably silent at home. The timing of revealing the information depends upon the age of your children. Preschoolers are best informed a couple of days before the separation. School-going children can be informed at least a week before. Teenagers should be informed a few weeks before hand. They need time to discuss with their friends and analyse the impact of your separation on their lives. Giving them hints in advance is better than shocking them into the ultimate truth.

Children’s Reactions Should Evoke Appropriate Responses from You

Children react differently to their parents’ divorce. Many factors determine their reactions. Their age, the stage of development they are in, the situation at home, (whether it is marked by domestic violence,) how well both spouses bond with the children and how close a child is to either parent, etc.

Children in the preschool stage are frightened at the prospect of parental separation for they fear abandonment. School-going children feel confused. Parental separation naturally evokes grief but they do not know how to deal with their feelings. Adolescents react with anger, grief, a sense of loss and fear. They need the support of both their parents in their troubled teen period and feel a sense of loss when the much-needed support is withdrawn. Some are even forced into caring for their siblings, a role that angers them much.

How well your children cope with the grief depends on your handling of the situation. You must spend more time with them daily, for weeks to come. Be honest and feel free to express your sorrow. This will send the message that it is alright to reveal their feelings. Allay their fears with comforting talk. However, these steps are not sufficient enough. You must form a co-parenting plan with your spouse. If you are not able to do so, seek professional help.

75 to 80% of children with divorced parents are able to cope with their grief and make a success of their lives. These children were able to emerge out of their depressive phase due to parental help alone. Unfortunately, the remaining 20% of the children were not so lucky and were pushed into a lifetime of suffering.

Revealing the news of your divorce to the children in a proper manner is important. How you handle the immediate ensuing circumstances following the revelation determines the impact of the difficult news. Only you can determine whether your children can belong to the well adjusted 80% or suffer like the remaining 20%.